by Eleanor Boomhower ’25
I don’t like writing. Writing a high school paper is not easy, because writing a good paper is not easy. In order to write a paper, I have to write a good paper. Everyone else writes good papers. They can make detailed outlines. Rough drafts. Peer review quickly. Do final revisions. Submit on time. I cannot do that. All the words come out at once when I have barely any time left. Therefore, I cannot write a paper. I try every time. I stare at a blinking cursor on a blank page for hours, willing myself to type something. I think that my teachers do not think I try. I do not think that they listen to me when I tell them that I am struggling, and how much. It’s a simple process. I should be able to do it. It should be easy. There are steps. It’s easy for everyone else. My teacher tells me it is easy because there are steps. Internal deadlines are there to make sure I stay on track. I show up to class for peer review with what is basically an outline. I have a couple of handwritten notes on the sheet and a few flagged pages in my book. My peer reviewer asks me why it’s not done, and don’t I know that we were supposed to have a draft today? I try to explain, but it makes me feel worse. I write detailed notes on their paper. They only write, “expand this.” I turn it in five hours late with no conclusion. The feedback: “Your thesis is just fine, and this analysis here is pretty good. What happened?” I do not know, but I cannot help but do it again.
My parents have been telling me that I need to go to sleep, that they hate seeing me torture myself over a blank page. They ask me what thoughts I have about my new prompt when I reluctantly bring it up. I say I don’t know and then rattle off five ideas, and they take notes. When they show me the notes, I start making connections—what if I combined these two ideas, and then I could use the part from chapter five that we talked about in class to support it. I think I also remember some other examples… I’m sure I could find them if I tried. I bookmark those, jot down a few more notes, and write a paper. It may not be on time, per se, but at least it’s finished. I asked my teacher if I could have an extension for the next paper because it takes so long for me to write, and also, the detailed outline never works. It just confuses me because the ideas don’t flow together well and so the whole thing is messed up, but I can’t just do things out of order. It doesn’t work like that. She agrees, so long as I check in with her before class or by email about what I’ve gotten done. I finally turn it in. On time.
I still don’t like writing. Writing a college paper is not easy, because writing a good paper is not easy. But now I have a strategy, so I stick to it. I let my professors know that it takes me a little longer to write, and sometimes I ask them for extensions. When I get a prompt, I think about it, then I find some sources, draft an outline on the back of a no-longer-useful sheet of paper, and sit down to write. I have learned I can write, and so I have allowed myself to practice. There are few barriers besides the ones I create for myself. I can finally work on bigger projects, because I feel less afraid of making something less than perfect.