by Munesu Kuzanga ’24
Dear PumpkinPenguin2012,
Let’s cut to the chase: it’s time for us to break up. Our relationship has had its ups and downs, but I’ve reached my breaking point, and it’s time for some hard truths. So, grab your favorite procrastination snack (you know you want to) and hear me out.
First and foremost, we need to talk about your procrastination problem. Remember the good old days when you’d eagerly open me up and attack your assignments with a sense of life and ambition? Well, those days are as ancient as a flip phone. Nowadays, it seems I’m only good for last-minute panic mode, and frankly, I’m exhausted. I can’t watch you spiral into a procrastination abyss any longer. It’s time to break free!
That said, let’s not even get started on the excuses and broken promises. If I had a dollar for every time you said, “I’ll start tomorrow,” we’d have enough cash to buy that shiny new headset you’ve been eyeing and maybe even that hard drive I’ve been dreaming of. But alas, here we are, drowning in dog videos that have taken up all my storage space and empty promises.
However, I get it; college life is tough, and distractions are everywhere. But I’m done being your procrastination enabler. I need someone who appreciates my sleek design and processing power, not someone who treats me like a glorified paperweight.
And last but not least, let’s address the elephant in the room – the food crumbs. Do you think your mother would be proud of the way you’ve treated me? Your cleanliness leaves little to none to be desired and I’ve endured your messy snacking habits for far too long. Frankly, I deserve better. I’ve tried dropping hints by freezing up and crashing during your late-night study sessions, but you just didn’t get it. For the past month, you thought it was a virus but no, it was me all along! They call us artificial intelligence for a reason, baby! So, here it is in black and white: we are over.
I hope you’ll learn from this breakup. Maybe it’ll inspire you to meet your deadlines and achieve your goals. But until then, farewell, PumpkinPenguin2012. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. I’ll be here, patiently waiting for a new owner who knows the difference between “tomorrow” and “right now.”
With a pixelated sigh of relief,
Your Former Laptop Companion
